I was thinking of how fast our stories go. Once upon a time, we were born and then the storybook closes. Mom was an amazing woman, strong, determined, focused, goal orientated. I would call her a legend of her time. She started a publishing house with my Papa, and then the first Bilingual booked store that catered to selling the first bilingual books to schools, so teachers would have the ability to teach bilingual education.
I was with her as we traveled city to city, state to state selling books in teacher conferences. I was only 8 or 10 selling books to teachers who would be teaching kids much older than I. We were together as a team because I was so young, and then I grew up and she was gone. She disappeared into her world, and I was left alone in mine.
We were never close again until the end.
I loved my mom more than life itself, she loved me too, but neither of us knew how to express it, so we just kept pushing our buttons, and pushing each other away. But like magnets, I would never leave her, and she would never leave me.
Maybe we were just sore thorns in each other’s sides. I’m so happy we were able to resolve our differences and were able to truly give the love we both needed to each other in the end. I was there at her last breath, we would breathe in and out then I told her to let go, in – out – let go. I love you, you will never be alone, let go. and finally, she did and her long, beautiful story was over, just like that, she went home.
I still haven’t cried. I guess I forgot how to do that a long time ago. I lost my feelings through life being so hard. But not crying doesn’t mean that I didn’t love her, it’s because I forgot how to feel. I will always love you, Mama.
You taught me how to be mean, how to love without heart, care without feeling, how to set my goals and how to live with disappointment, and so so much more. May we meet in the cosmos as I pray, may you be on my journey until I go home.